21: The Birthday That Has Lost It’s Allure

“Oh God, can you believe we’re turning 21?” “I know right? We’re so ancient, I feel like I need to get life insurance or something” This at a recent lunch gathering with the besties was enough to send me into a spiral of depression. It used to be that everyone looked forward to  blowing out their 21 candles, the number signifying an age of maturity, responsibility and freedom. Not so anymore. What a 21 year old can do, any 16 year old can, with more panache if need be.  Take for example going to a club. I don’t know about you, but when I was 15, I was prepping for my school exams and attending extra classes, not dancing my nights away at some bar/club, the way so many 15-17 year old kids I know do so.  My friends and I would excitedly talk about going “clubbing” and how it would be a mark of our maturity (newsflash, it’s not) Well, fast forward a few years later and what you get is a bunch of under aged kids with fake ID’s buying alcohol and gyrating in the clubs. Who wants to wait till you’re 18 or 21 when you can just start partying now right? They say 60 is the new 40, but if I’m right about my observations, then 18 seems to be the new 50.  It used to be that becoming a famous model/actress/somebody required waiting till you were at least 6 years north of a double digit age, but magazines, movies and the internet begs to differ. Chloe Moretz snagged the cover of Vogue at age 14, Tavi, that wunderkind fashion blogger became an overnight sensation and Fashion Week staple at age 13. Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, Justin Beiber, Elle Fanning, the list goes on. When I hear Grayson Chance croon about love and heartbreak, I can’t help but think what does a 14 year old kid know about such issues? He just graduated from the diaper club a few years ago! But it is not so much child stars I have an issue with. It’s the everyday people I come across who disturb me. Little girls dressed in clothes way mature beyond their years, so much so, if it weren’t for the youth in their features, I’d think they were little old aunties. And what about 10 year old kids toting Blackberries and iPhones? In which parallel universe does a kid not out of middle school need a smartphone? Whatever happened to the good old Nokia?  With so much instant access to all these things which were once only made available to those of a certain age, is it any wonder that young people don’t want to grow up anymore? That turning 18, or 20 no longer holds the allure it once held? A friend at her recent 21^st birthday party remarked “OK, now I’m officially legal, what can I do that I haven’t already done in the last few years?” Call me old and a spoilsport, but I think kids should stop trying to do “grown up” stuff and wait till they come of age. What’s gonna happen when they hit 21? What new frontier will there be left for them to conquer? Perhaps they’d be too jaded to care by then. 

An Idiot’s Guide To Shoplifting

Do blend in with the crowd.

Always, always carry a pair of scissors when on a kleptomaniac mission. 

Do act nonchalant, like what you’re about to do is perfectly normal and compulsory. Like flossing.

Do bring a bag to shove all your goodies in.

Always ensure the coast is clear of annoying sales girls before shoving aforementioned goodies into said bag.

Feel a giddy combination of relief and thrill when the beeper doesn’t go off.

Feel guilty about your illegal treasures.

Repeat cycle.

Eventually get caught and vow to never again steal a $10 scrunchie from Evita Peroni.

Cave in a few days/weeks/months later depending on how bad your addiction is.

*Disclaimer: This article in no way encourages or supports the activity above. 

"There’s a certain order to the world. Mice get eaten by wolves, motorcyclists get demolished by 18-wheelers and gravity presides over the whole crazy parade, keeping it stuck to the ground like a boss."

I don’t understand……

I don’t Understand….

people who feel the need to constantly flash their middle fingers while dancing in the club. Just. Not. Cool. At all. Like what are you trying to achieve by doing that? It’s juvenile you know?

people who bitch about their parents/boyfriend/best friend etc. No, seriously. Think about it. If they can talk shit about the people they’re closest too, wouldn’t they also talk crap about you behind your back? I don’t care how horrible your parents are, the fact is, they are your parents, and airing their dirty laundry is a stain on yourself as well. So suck it up.

people who feel the need to pepper their every sentence with four letter words. I’m all for using the F word when pissed, but it just makes you look coarse and cheap if you overuse it. And unless we’re really good friends, please don’t feel free to use such words in our conversation, cuz then I’d just have a shitty opinion of you.

people who feel the need to brag about their antics from last night and how wasted they got and how they’re having the Hangover from Hell right now. How is that even a topic of conversation? Why must you broadcast the effects of tequila on your nervous system? Shallow much?

people who follow trends religiously. I find it somewhat sad that you’d rush out to your nearest department store just to buy what the magazines “determine” will be au courant next season. Have you realized that fashion is essentially a repetitious cycle dressed in different colours and threads? Fuck it, I’m going out dressed like a trash can. And heck, who knows, that might be the next in thing.

jersey shore. That whole show is a circus. And the people who tune in like clockwork? Well, I think you need a brain transplant. Nuff said.

skinny girls who say they’re f-a-t. Can I just bitchslap you now? Likewise, I hate when fat girls complain they’re fat, cuz it makes for an awkward moment. Like what am I supposed to say to that? Do you think someone’s actually going to tell you to your face, “Yes, you’re a fat bitch? Stop eating already?” Exactly. And while we’re on that topic, I’d like to expound my dislike for girls on diets. Unless you’re obese, shut up and enjoy your food.

high maintenance bitches. You know. The ones who take 24 hours just to get ready to go to the grocery store? I’ve got news for you: Unless you’re Kristen Stewart, no one actually gives a fuck about the shade of your eye shadow.

Those Assholes You Encounter at The Cinema

Yeah we’ve all meet ‘em. The people who ruin our religious cinematic experience. So there you are at the local cineplex on a weekend, ready to catch the latest blockbuster or chick flick. You’ve got your super jumbo sized popcorn and extra large coke in hand, and your seats booked. Everything’s cruisin’. Until you encounter the classic cinema roaches that give a certain finger of yours a steady erection.

ENTER:

The Spoiler

He’s seen the movie before. He knows all the lines to every scene. Heck, he knows every twitch and every glitch. But does he shut the fuck up? Oh heck no! This asshole gets a kick out of verbalising every sentence and every line muttered. Not only does he become the actors mouthpiece, he also kindly informs us of the characters next move. “Watch this! This is the part where they totally beat the shit out of the bad guy!” Er, hello, that’s for you to know, and for me to figure out?

The Advisor

This guy sincerely believes the actors on screen can hear the well meaning advice he’s doling out at 100mph. “OMG, don’t open that door!” “Run up the stairs! Quick!” “Get out of there!” are just some of the instructions he spews while clutching frantically at your arm.  My piece of advice for the advisor? Keep calm, watch the movie and shut the fuck up!

The Giggler

Ok, seriously, this one gets on my nerves. You know how some people find everything in life funny? Well yeah, these people also find everything in the movies really really hilarious.Like HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAH! Guy falls off a chair? HAHAHAHAHAHAH! Dog gone missing in the movie? HAHAHHAHAHAHA! Character getting his ass whooped? You guessed the reaction: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA! That is sooooooooo hilarious! I mean, am I missing something? Is there a secret placard somewhere instructing people to laugh every 5 minutes or risk death by seat ejection? Call me a killjoy, but these people sound like they’d laugh themselves to death if a pencil dropped on the floor. 

The Kids

I get that you’re curious about the movie and that asking a shitload of questions is actually encouraged in schools, but guess what kid? I’m trying to watch the damn movie without having to hear you asking silly questions like: “Mom, is that the good guy or the bad guy?” “Is that a UFO mom?” “Mom, why are they killing each other?” “MOMMMMMMMMMMMM!” Luckily for you kiddo, murder is a crime, but if you keep walking up and down the aisle, spilling popcorn all over the place and insisting on making a gazillion trips to the washroom……….well, you might just not live to see your next birthday!

The Lovebirds

Nuff said. I mean, I’m not against couples going to the movies or anything. But people, please, can save your PDA’s for a private place? Don’t think we’re oblivious or blind in the dim lighting. And while you’re at it, please actually watch the movie and not each other? You can do that later on. I’d like to focus on the movie, and not hear you whispering sweet nothings and making kissy noises and God knows what else. Thank you.

How To Be A Cheap Bastard

When going to a restaurant, always, always order water. And if said restaurant happens to charge for water, then ask for an empty glass with ice in it. Then sit back and wait for the ice to melt, so ta-da, you automatically have free water! Every Cheap Bastard’s dream.

When grocery shopping at your local Walmart/Isetan/Cold Storage, make 10 rounds up and down the ice cream aisle just to compare the price between Ben & Jerry and Haagen-Dazs. Stand in front of the display freezer, stare at the products on offer, read the ingredients and ask yourself if you really really need to buy ice cream (yes, really, b’cos ice cream makes me less miserable about my existence as a CB) You know you really want the Haagen-Dazs, but being the Cheap Bastard you are, you settle for….Walls chocolate chip instead. Cuz, you know. It’s C-H-E-A-P. I mean, it’s all just milk and corn syrup and flavouring right? Right.

When going out for lunch/dinner with friends, always check the restaurant menu before stepping in. Being a Cheap Bastard, your eyes will trail the price list instead of the appetizer/dessert list alongside. Upon seeing that the place is ridiculously expensive, (read: Anything over $50 is considered expensive in Cheap Bastard speak) keep calm and say something along the lines of: “Oh, I heard the chef has VD’s” or “My sister/uncle/dog/cactus plant got food poisoning just imbibing their water” Then breathe in relief when your friends finally give in and head to Macca’s instead, or as everyone knows, Cheap Bastard Heaven.